One local woman says she can’t help herself.
By Jess McCann
I am hoping you can help me. I’m thirty-two, single, and just moved to D.C. I don’t have trouble meeting guys, but I do have difficulty when it comes to getting a commitment from them. If I am really attracted to someone, I find myself wanting to secure the relationship as soon as possible even if I don’t know the guy very well yet. I push for defining our status, and sometimes move too fast physically. I am not oblivious. I know this can quickly scare someone off, but I don’t know how to control this feeling. Can you give me any advice for how I can keep my emotional excitement at bay for more than just a few dates? I don’t want to keep ruining my chances, but I don’t know how to keep my heart (or hormones) in check either. Thanks! Heather.
The good news is that you are already aware of the problem you have. Yes, it is very likely that guys are turned off by your need to lock them down too soon, but you seem to recognize the irrationality of your feelings due to the fact you don’t even know the guy yet, and for that, you more enlightened than most.
When you are physically attracted to someone, it is very natural to feel as though you are already beginning to fall in love. The best advice I can give you is to add a bit of logic into this equation and remind yourself that even though your eyes like what they see, it does not mean the person is right for you. Attraction and compatibility are two separate entities. Don’t let one fool you into assuming the other. After that, it is all a matter of self-control. You may never be able to change how you feel when you are attracted to someone, but you can change how you act. I think it’s much like how one diets. You may want to eat Georgetown Cupcakes and potato chips everyday (at least I do), but you know that they are foods that will make you gain weight unless eaten in moderation. So you have to fight the “want” with logic. You say to yourself, “If I eat this, I’m going to gain weight. So even though I want it, I’m going to discipline myself not to eat it.” With dating, you have to do the same thing. You may meet a guy and like him right away, but you have to discipline yourself not to act on your emotions. You have to say to yourself, “I feel excited about this guy right now, but I don’t really know him yet. I cannot ask him to define our relationship so soon, and I cannot expect him to act like a boyfriend while we are only in the get-to-know-you stage.”
Also, try to focus on the outcome of your actions, rather than the feeling you have in the moment. While you may feel a strong attraction and want to cross physically boundaries with someone new, you have to remember that you will probably damage your chances for a future relationship. You have to do what’s right versus what feels good. Keep looking beyond the date you are on at the time. You want to have the best results for yourself in the long run and not just for one night. So keep that in mind when he asks you back to his place on the second date.
Bottom line, you cannot change the fact that you will want to be in a relationship with someone very quickly, and you cannot change that you may want to be intimate with them – but you can change how you react to those feelings. Remember, if nothing else, our actions are within our control!
Jess McCann is an author, speaker, and dating coach who knows what it’s like to be on the other side of the fence. Before finding love and writing, You Lost Him at Hello: a saleswoman’s secrets to closing the deal, she was confused, self-conscious and alone. Since then, she has coached women all over the globe on how to kick their love life into high gear and get the relationship they have always wanted. She’s appeared on national television shows, such as Good Morning America, The Fox Morning show with Mike & Juliet and speaks frequently at women’s rallies, college campuses and lifestyle events.